Hit me with your best shot
by EyesWideClosed
Summary: Remus and Sirius have a rather unique way of settling their arguments. James is sick of it interfering with his sex life. In which James is whipped, Sirius has a god-complex and Remus is a condescending bastard. RLSB, mild JPLE


**Disclaimer:** I wish with literally every fibre of my being that I was as awesome as Jo Rowling, but I am not and therefore did not come up with these characters.

**Rating:** T for sexual suggestiveness and swearing ;)

xxxx

James buried his head in his hands and sighed.

He didn't understand why they couldn't just deal with their problems like any other _sane _couple. Ignore the issue for a few weeks, become increasingly passive-aggressive by the day (or just plain aggressive in Lily's case), until it became such a massive metaphorical elephant in the room that you eventually buck up, hand over a few man cards and talk about your_ feelings. _

Sure it's highly uncomfortable for any man- gay or straight- but at least it's a solution devoid of violence.

Mostly.

He knew from experience that Lily was _scary_ when she was in a stop.

"Oi antler head! Get over here and call this thing would ya!"

He sighed.

_Fucking _Sirius.

James rolled his eyes and trudged towards his black-haired friend, bemoaning, not for the first time, his friends' screwed up relationship and the things he did to keep them from tearing out each other's throats. He still couldn't quite believe he'd _enabled _this utter lunacy, let alone refereed it, but such was the life of a Marauder. Shit you don't expect just comes with the title.

He idly inspected Sirius' wand for enhancement enchantments and after finding none, walked over to where Remus was standing a few good lengths away, stock still, head held high and face impassive. The complete opposite to Sirius who couldn't seem to stop jumping around and hollering battle cries at the gathering crowd. He checked Remus' wand as well and after finding nothing sighed again. Seriously, the way they dealt with their shit was getting _old_. If he had to drag either of them to the infirmary with a head full of jelly _one more time _he might just explode.

Curiously he glanced up at Remus and considered him for a moment. It was a testament to how focused he was glaring a hole into the back of Sirius' head that he didn't notice James looking at him until he spoke, "Is this how you feel when the three of us are off being stupid berks and pranking Snivelus-all tired and huffy?"

Remus blinked, almost like he was surprised to see him there and laughed jerkily, slapping him on the back a little too hard, "Payback" he smirked, "What a bitch"

The strength in his voice wasn't startling, but was still unexpected. Moony usually played down his bravado a bit more than that, preferring victory to be humble if it came. He wondered what the fight was about to have gotten him in such a state already.

James cocked an eyebrow, "Well aren't you in a mood today, feeling good about your chances?"

Remus laughed again, but that time it was more of a self-indulgent chuckle, "Todays as good a day as any to put that arrogant mutt in his place" his expression darkened, "and _keep _him there"

James eyed him worriedly and glanced backwards towards the stands where Lily was looking over the proceedings with a pursed mouth. James hasn't forgotten the _last_ time Remus was this self-confident. It had ended with Sirius in the infirmary, having found himself suddenly bereft of all the bones in his body, Remus in detention with a surly Filch and James being cut off from sex. For a _week_. They had all gotten a big lecture from Lily about sorting out their problems like adults and the inappropriateness of turning the people you love into piles of goo. Remus had snorted, Sirius had scowled, still having to be carried around in a cauldron to get to lessons and James had felt thoroughly confused as to why he was being lectured at all. He hadn't _done _anything.

Needless to say, he would rather not repeat that experience if at all possible. The lecture had been bad, but the no sex had nearly broken him. He was a man with needs after all and Lily had taken to wearing the first button of her blouse open for the entire week just to torture him. He refused to acknowledge that the heatwave that hit Hogwarts that week and the faulty castle cooling charms had anything to do with it. Nope. It was deliberate torture and one he did not want repeated.

He looked at Remus beseechingly, "Moony" he pleaded, "Don't do anything stupid. Remember the goo incident?"

He hoped reminding him of the week Sirius had spent being carried around in a cauldron would guilt trip the man into going easier on his friend.

Instead, Moony's smirk only increased and James became weary, "Oh _yes_" he licked his lips, eyes decidedly predatory, "I remember"

James was panicking now and Remus's scary-intense-focus-leer-thing was increasing with every roar from Sirius' mini cheer squad, "Moony" he warned, tone wary and measuring, "If Lily see's this get out of hand…"

Remus locked eyes with him and flashed his canines in a decidedly wolf like manner, "Don't worry Prongs, you're safe from Lily this time around" He turned and leered at Sirius who was now twirling his wand and demonstrating a number of complicated moves for his fans who were awe-struck, eyes glued on their idol, "The only person who should be worried is Sirius and by the time I'm through with him a lecture from your girlfriend will be the _least _of his worries"

James gulped, looking pityingly at his friend, who had at last turned back to where he and Remus were standing and was grinning cockily at the werewolf, obviously not having noticed the waves of predatory intent rolling off of his quietly growling boyfriend.

"No time like the present Prongsy" Sirius called, arm set on his hip haughtily, "We want to wrap this up _before _Moony's bed time, isn't that right sweetie" he cooed, pouting at Remus mockingly.

James groaned. This was _not _going to end well for any of them.

Remus cocked his eyebrow, looking suddenly cool and unaffected, "I could agree more _dear, _but I wouldn't worry your pretty little head about it," he said, his tone deceptively nonchalant, "I'll be done with you _well _before that"

This time it was Sirius' turn to growl and he took a few steps forward, advancing on Remus until he was right in his space, "Is that so?"

Remus smirked, his eyes alight with promise, "You tell me," he smirked, "how _was_ it exactly, being carried around in that cauldron?"

Sirius' expression darkened, "So confident Lupin" he growled, stepping into him until they were nose to nose, "I can't _wait _to make you eat your words"

Remus merely smirked, eyes glinting with something dangerously close to passion but not quite, "You can try Black. But we both know more often than not, _you're _the one that ends up" he licked his lips, "_eating_ it"

Sirius spluttered and Remus's smirk widened. James put his face in his hands. _That_ was a mental image he could have gone a life time without seeing. Sirius seemed to compose himself and his eyes narrowed.

"We'll see" he muttered, stalking back to his designated spot a few metres away, his dark blush belying the hard set of his eyes.

James rubbed a hand over his eyes tiredly and hung his head. Why couldn't he have _normal _friends? Was it really too much to ask for to not be dragged into their insane, sometimes uncomfortably erotic duelling matches every time Remus forgot a Hogsmeade date or Sirius left his dirty socks in Remus' bed?

James sighed again and glared at his friends.

_Fucking _morons.

"Right, well you both know the rules by now," he began, ignoring the way Sirius was twirling his wand in between his fingers cockily, "No eye gouging, crotch shots or turning your opponent into any kind of viscous fluid"

They both stared at him, "That's a more recent addition," he muttered, eyeing Remus darkly before continuing, "The aim is to _disarm _okay?"

They both nodded mutely and he sighed, confident that they'd ignore whatever rules he tried to put forth anyway. He didn't know why he bothered really.

"Alright then. Begin!"

Sirius moved, instantly on the offensive, using a silent stunning spell that Remus deflected effortlessly with a flick of his wand, "You'll have to do better than that _sweetie_"

Sirius growled and sent another and another in quick succession, advancing on the werewolf. Remus deflected them as well, but Sirius kept them coming, trying to overpower him with sheer number of spells. The spells, powerful and numerous distracted Remus for the few precious seconds it took to deflect them all and Sirius took advantage of his distraction, _"Levicorpus"_

Remus was thrust backwards in a dramatic arc, landing in a pile of sprawled limbs and James' gasp caught in his throat. Remus twitched, but otherwise didn't move.

Silence hung in the air and stretched between them. James saw Sirius pale, he obviously hadn't meant the spell to be as powerful as it had been.

Sirius faltered, concern creeping into his voice, "Moony?" he asked, stepping forward warily. When he got no response, he looked at James with barely contained panic, "James-

The spell came out of nowhere and knocked Sirius clean off his feet.

"Oof!" he exclaimed, landing on his back as his feet were yanked out from under him, momentarily disorientating him.

Moony was up quick as a flash and disarmed Sirius, his wand flying into his hand before Sirius could so much as raise it again.

James sighed and flushed with relief. He smiled slyly despite himself. Clever Moony.

Remus sauntered over to Sirius, smugly parroting twirling Sirius' wand in his fingers. Sirius blinked up at him, confused for a moment before it hit him. He pointed a finger at him accusingly, "You utter bastard! You _tricked _me!"

Remus grinned and shrugged, "Serves you right for being a smug bastard. Your poor fan club will be so disappointed. I think they may actually be crying"

It was true. There were several sobbing third years and a few older Quiddich guys who idolized Sirius looking rather grief stricken. James resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Typical.

Sirius got to his feet, steadying himself on Remus' arm as the world spun around him, ignoring the cries of his grief stricken fans, "You cheated", he accused, glaring at him through slightly unfocused eyes.

Remus rolled his eyes, "I didn't _cheat. _I attacked you when you were distracted, just like you did" he smirked, "although my way was infinitely cleverer than a barrage of spells. Rather inspired if I do say so myself"

Sirius rolled his eyes and pouted, "Who's the smug bastard _now_" he said moodily, as he crossed his arms over his chest petulantly.

Remus just smiled knowingly, slinging an arm over his shoulder and leading him back in the direction of the castle, "I'm the smug bastard who will be reading by the fire tonight all toasty and warm while _you _are down in the dungeons freezing your ass off"

Sirius moaned, "_ Mooonyyy_" he complained.

Remus clucked disapprovingly, "Come now Sirius, _someone_ has to explain to the dear professor why exactly we were in the potions storage cupboard so late at night and a deals a deal"

Sirius groaned and buried his face in his hands; he was_ not _looking forward to that conversation.

Remus laughed and pulled him in close for a quick peck on the cheek, "Aw don't be sad Pads, I'm sure you'll win next time" he pinched his cheek and cooed adoringly.

Sirius scowled and hunched into himself more, rose dusting his cheeks. Remus smiled wider and ruffled his hair adoringly as if he was some kind of recalcitrant puppy.

For a moment all was silent.

Then Sirius straightened and turned into his boyfriend, eyes narrowed and figure looming.

"I'm fucking you so hard tonight" he growled lowly. Remus didn't even flinch.

"I know" he looked back coolly, unaffected and Sirius bristled.

Sirius backed him into the nearest wall and squinted at him, tried to look threatening but mostly ended up looking sour. Remus cocked a condescending eyebrow and smiled in obvious amusement.

"Over the sink"

"Mm-hmm"

"You'll have a line bruise across your thighs from me fucking you so hard over the sink"

Remus laughed.

Sirius growled.

"I can't wait"

"No lube"

Remus hummed approvingly.

"Uh-huh"

"You'll be bed ridden for days, and when you can walk again, you'll be limping for another week or two. That's how hard I'm going to fuck you"

Remus looked at him, still smiling and not at all affected by his boyfriends threats and Sirius either wanted to hex him into oblivion, or fuck him into the wall. He hadn't decided yet.

"Whatever you say"

"... So hard" Sirius muttered darkly

There was a pause taken up mostly by Sirius' heavy breathing.

"Hey Sirius?" Remus began, extricating himself from Sirius' grip far too easily.

Sirius grunted.

"Slughorn's only in his office until 4 so you better get a move on"

Sirius scowled.

"After Slughorn I swear it Moony. So fucking hard."

"Of course you will baby and I'm _sure _you'll put me right back in my place and show me what a _big man _you are" he cooed, snickering.

"…Twice"

"What was that?"

"I'm going to do it _twice_"

Remus smirked and let his fingers caress the back of the Black's neck, delighting in the little gasp it elicited.

"Whatever you say Pads" he grinned, not missing the bulge in the front of his trousers, "whatever you say"

xxxx

James watched his friends walk off without even a cursory over the shoulder wave and frowned. Of _course_ he was left to clean up their mess.

He sighed.

Not even a goodbye or a thank you. Bloody typical. They'd probably go back and shag now until their dicks fell off or one of them _died_. He almost groaned when he saw the look on Lily's face as she crossed the pitch to get to him.

_He_ definitely wasn't getting any anytime soon.

_Fucking _bastards.

xxxx

**AN: **I'm sorry… It just came to me and I couldn't _not _write it. I love James. And Remus. And Sirius. Yay for sore-loser Sirius!

Read and Review if you love over-compensating Sirius and amused Moony! Also sullen James, you can like him too.


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